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[personal profile] jvar
Beck sings "I think I'm in love, but I'm kinda nervous to say so"

Change 'in love' to 'trusting'

I have discovered that I stopped trusting and having faith in people. With the exception of a single handful of people who I have a long history with where trust has been earned over and over and over and is simply a part of the relationship, I find myself not wanting to put myself out there. Here, have a nice slice of the superficial Deb facade, because I don't feel like putting forth the energy again. 'Forever' doesn't mean the same to everyone. It's not the absolute I believed it was.

I realized this as I feel myself trusting in someone and fighting the feeling. I don't want to be that person who pessimistically assumes everyone will let her down.

I am not blaming one person for my issues with lack of trust, there were several over the years. Neither am I blaming myself for trusting in the first place, or for misplaced trust. These were lessons in human nature that, as a student of the mind, I need to learn to understand. But it's hard not to see patterns and slap on labels due to past experiences. I have no problem identifying red flags. What I don't want to do is imagine those red flags when they aren't there, it's just that I expect to see them so I pull back.

Yes, I do set a fantastically high standard for behavior of those I associate with, and I have no qualms doing so. I am a very forgiving person but I have my limits, and I don't expect these standards to be rigid. Everyone, including me, makes the occasional bad decision. I just want to have the people I love treat me the same way I am willing to treat them; fairly, honestly, humbly, and respectfully.

So I'm going to trust again. We'll see if I'm making better choices these days.


jvar: (Default)

May 2016


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