jvar: (<3)
[personal profile] jvar
As a female, I naturally spend a fair amount of time looking at myself in the mirror. Mostly in the morning when I am brushing my teeth and preparing for the day. Often I look at myself critically, as a canvas to a painter, deciding what needs to be improved upon. I don't consider myself a natural beauty, but I do have lovely people in my life who disagree vehemently. I see enhancements and the play of light and shadows and try to gently capitalize on the good and minimize the disagreeable. I have always said that I will not rue my wrinkles, but celebrate the hard earned lines. Oddly, it looks like I have earned relatively few to date!

Sometimes, I let myself look back to the me on this side of the mirror where my psyche resides. And the older I get, the more battle scars I attain, the more miles I accrue, well...the more I like who is looking back.

She's not as naive as she used to be, but she still has a healthy side of idealism mixed with her realistic take on her universe. She doesn't love as freely or as surface level passionately as she did not too long ago. Now she is far more discerning on who she lets in to stay. Her standards are high and she will not drop them. She doesn't look at people in terms of immediate benefits, but sees relationships in terms of longevity potential. She is envisioning the future she wants and surrounding herself with those she wants to share this adventurous path. She's far more selfish than she ever was, and lucky are the people she is selfish about because they will know without any doubt of her affection and love. For them, she doesn't hold back a thing.

Things feel so much different these days. Quieter, less complex, and infinitely deeper and stronger. I am becoming so much stronger than I ever thought I would be and I don't regret all that it has taken. So many adventures to draw upon, so many more left ahead.



When you have loved as she has loved, you grow old beautifully
- W. Somerset Maugham


Originally published at Armchair Navelgazing.

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May 2016

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