jvar: (Frustration)
When all is said and done
what I really want at the end of the day
is to be held, soft words whispered in my ear reminding me of why I'm here.

The mornings are the time for spurring me on
The afternoon for reflection
The evening for healing

All I want is to not feel so very alone
to be understood and accepted
to know my value

And while I can do this on my own
I no longer want to
jvar: (Heart Matters)
*fills the fountain pen and opens the old tome somewhere well right of middle, flipping to the next blank page"

Finally, she realized much about the nature of love and passion. She thought back to the beautiful memories and the joy that would be hers forever. Knowing that fire for even a brief time was better than never knowing it at all. Her thoughts turned to the pain that lingered and fought to put it into perspective. Nothing lasts forever, it's the nature of our kind. Words spoken from passion can be believed for that snapshot of a moment, just not held on to as a promise of forever. Words spoken from love, however, made her buoyant.

And finally, she learned one thing she had never mastered. She let go gracefully and kept the memories without killing them with the pain of loss. She had not one regret.

End of chapter.

*rereading the words while they dried completely, taking a deep breath, closing the book and putting in on the shelf, wiping away only one telltale tear*
jvar: (Default)
I've been processing this since Monday night when I watched (and totally enjoyed) Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Recorded here to remember.

Final scene:
Harriet and Matt have a brief exchange.

"At the table read, when I asked for the butter, I got a big laugh. At dress, no one laughed. What did I do wrong?"

He assures her that this is just one laugh out of thirty that she will get, but she insists, asking him again what she did wrong at the dress.

Matt: "You asked for a laugh."

Harriet: "What did I do at the table read?"

Matt: "You asked for the butter."

Ahhhhh. Yes. Indeed!
jvar: (Default)
My friend [livejournal.com profile] cityratbuddy shared this quote with me this evening and it got me thinking (which is a wonderful thing any time). Thanks, cute stuff.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

-Marianne Williamson

I love that last line. I think it's mighty important. Actually, I love the whole quote, the God bits and all. Granted, I interpret God differently than most organized religions do, but I still believe I'm part of the greater plan. And if I have something powerful inside of me (idea, message, talent...) and I downplay it because of a fear of making others uncomfortable, then I 'd be taking away my own gift. I'd be censoring my light.

I am not a conventional person. I live in a conventional world, but I will not be drowned out my the machination of mediocrity and herd mentality. I am not a pioneer, I am not an activist. What I am is a believer and a doer. I will continue down my path, not pushing people to see things my way, but by creating a wake behind me that others are welcome to ride should they like my projected flight plan. And to those who aren't moving at all, I'll wave as I pass by, but I'm not stopping.

I feel the fire inside burning hot again. Anyone need a light?
jvar: (Adrift)
Can a weekend really make a difference? Can a birthday really kick off a change in head space?

Yes. Definitively.

This is my year of creativity. This is the year that I create things of value and delight. This is the year that I let my artistic inhibitions go and create without worry about how it will be received.

My anxiety about starting something new is waning and I'm tired of spending time plodding along old paths that are going nowhere. It's time to clean out the space and tackle the projects that are starting to appear in my dreams.

All of the heavy issues and prior choices that have weighed on my shoulders are no longer burdens dragging me down. They have become opportunities for solutions (and barring solutions, then these matters will progressively become smaller in my grand scheme until they no longer need to be acknowledged)

This trip around the sun will see me full of love and lust and vital energy. I will find my puzzle pieces and make my connections and reconnections.

I've wasted plenty of time pursuing opportunities that were nearly perfect. I am learning now to look at things in a new light. I will still take chances and throw myself into what I do, but I have grown well aware of what I want and if it threatens to veer me off of that course I will no longer just jump at the immediate pretty vision and risk the dream.

I don't care any more about the hard work, battered fingers, sore muscles and temporary aches that are in front of me. This morning, I welcome them as signs of progress.

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
jvar: (Default)
Today I wish I were a lead character in the most sordid of Harlequin romance novels.

Whether it's the haughty daughter of the estate owner being thrown into the hay by the swarthy farmhand, or the snippy Captain's daughter being stranded with the debonair cabin boy, or even the angsty Heiress being ravished by the noble but wayward gambler.

*thinks* Or perhaps the lascivious Countess snowed in with the pert chambermaid.

Yeah, I need me some ravishing.

and again

Jul. 13th, 2006 05:33 pm
jvar: (Default)
Confusion that never stops
The closing walls and the ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know
Singing come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease

Someone needs to be the brave one. I volunteer.
jvar: (Adrift)
There used to be a really neat little piano bar/restaurant across from Belle Isle in Detroit. Pinky's. My first husband and I used to go there a lot. I used to wear some slinky, silky dress and perch on a stool sipping Rusty Nails and enjoying the music. There was a man that was frequently there. He was the spitting image of Stacey Keech. I don't recall his name, but I saw a commercial for an old movie with Keech in it and I remembered this man. He was about 3 dozen years older than I was. He had movie star appeal and a gentle way of making me feel like the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. He was never creepy or inappropriate. I could nearly imagine what it would be like to hob nob with celebrity when I was around him. Witty banter, subtle sultry looks, a kiss on the hand good night. I miss meeting people like that. Bigger than life. Most of all, I'm glad that all I had was the occasional glimpse so that 22 years later I can think of him and smile with pretty memories.
jvar: (Turmoil)
So...when I went to the Dr. the last time, I asked him for something better than 800mg Motrin, but not as knock-me-on-my-butt as Vicodin. He said that he had something that was exactly in the middle, called Ultram. I signed up for it. Sometimes, the ache in my hand, particularly when it's swells like it has in this heat the last week, gets to be too much to ignore. So, I pop a couple of these pretties and the pain doesn't go away so much as I stop caring about how it feels.

Now, I've noticed a side effect. It took a few times, but I think I am seeing the pattern. First, they make me feel very amorous. Ok, that's a gross understatement. I'm not sure if there's an adequate word, but it's pretty intense. (Lucky Brian, mostly). Of course, there's more to it. It also makes me feel very insecure. Again, gross understatement.

So, if I've come to you lately for reassurance, please know that this stuff is like steroids for my mind weasels.
jvar: (Default)
I am in the most intense, affectionate mood at the moment. I want arms around me and to be covered with kisses while I whisper soft words of love and lust and desire.

I saw a brief exchange between two characters in some movie as I was surfing through. The man was standing behind the woman, his hands on her shoulders. She was looking ahead, and his focus was on her. He was telling her about something; softly, determined, forceful. There was something about that moment that made me think about every time someone has done that to me, and my heart raced. I can't explain it, but the breathy insistence had me weak in the knees. I want to hear a voice by my ear, telling me what they want. And then I want to give it.

I feel present in my body this moment and I want to celebrate it.
jvar: (Turmoil)
some days are good, some goods are better than others. some days require focus just to exist. today feels like all of these.

I have a number of exciting projects to work on, almost all of them are mental exercises. I'm feeling out of sorts, though. I had to take a Vicodin last night because of the pain from the swelling. I feel like a wuss to take one when I'm only uncomfortable, but I wanted to sleep. Now I have that horrid, demotivating, fuzzy brain feeling.

I need something that I don't know how to ask for because if I have to ask it feels somehow cheapened. Either it's given freely and eagerly, or it shouldn't be offered. Then, there's the part that says I shouldn't need it in the first place. I've asked before and it's never worked the way I think it will, or backfires.

I need to re-embrace being a hermit because that's my lot for the time being. I think I'm just feeling lonely.
jvar: (Frustration)
When it comes to having a cold or flu or some kind of virus, I don't like a lot of fuss. Just let me work on getting better. Hospital visits, on the other hand, shake me to my foundation.

Yes. I realize that people suffer more serious things. In the grand scheme, this is just a painful short term experience. But this is the most significant health issue I've ever experienced that is out of my realm of being able to repair on my own.

This isn't just a broken bone. I forget this. The joint was split into 4 pieces. My wrist will mend, but it will never be the same. I will bear a large, visible scar. For three months, I will have an immobilization plate screwed into the bones of my arm and my hand preventing anything more that just wiggling my fingers. I can feel the plate painfully bind when I move my arm too fast or in ways that used to feel natural. My elbow feels sore and stressed from having to constantly readjust to allow me to move my forearm around.

The pain of healing is just a matter of course. It's going to be uncomfortable healing, it's just a fact, and I'm ok with that. It tires me out, and it lowers my resistance, but it's not horrible. I am frustrated by having to stop doing things I really enjoy. No knitting or crocheting for about 4 months. No carving for at least that long. Spinning will have to wait a month. Chopping food for another week or so. Studying, writing and reading are rough while I still need painkillers. Each day gets me closer to those things, I remind myself.

The thing that is most bothersome is my dependence on others, particularly Brian. He's really doing an awful lot, and he's done it with grace and smiles, but I can see him getting physically tired. And I've been so very needy emotionally and physically. I can't explain exactly why, but I need to be held and reassured. I need tender touches, and frequent hugs, and gentle words. I don't have the emotional strength to go through this silently and stoically without those reassurances. I've been putting on the bravest face from the moment this happened. This did not make me scream. Some have seen quiet tears and have seen pain in my face, but I'm the only one who knows that I'm only showing a small fraction of all I'm feeling. I don't want pity. I want hugs and kisses and positive stories of people healing. I want to laugh and find the humor.

I am amazed that my parents seem to understand this. They call every few days, and keep the conversations light and supportive.

I feel weak, and that isn't a thing I do well with. It's been 9 days since the surgery. I still haven't seen my arm because of the pressure bandage, which comes off on Tuesday. I have thoughts that it's going to look scary and make it so people won't want to see it or touch me while it heals. The 1/2 cast acts as a barrier where we can mostly just ignore the elephant on my wrist.

I think I'm going to lay low this week, try to regain some strength, and reconnect with [livejournal.com profile] seph_ski & [livejournal.com profile] legi0n, who have generously volunteered to take care of me for the 5 days Brian goes on his business trip. I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. Even when you are not physically here, you make me feel better with words and gestures.

Ok, I need to quit being a baby, slap on an ice pack, and find something to do with myself. Don't laugh at me, I think I'll color a while.

Story idea

Mar. 3rd, 2006 08:28 am
jvar: (Writing)
[livejournal.com profile] pyroddicted and her boyfriend Charlie and roommate Marlowe came to the house for dinner last night. What a lovely evening, what wonderful young people. I'm looking forward to spending more time with all of them. The genuine affection and care and concern they have for each other is so nice to be around. I'm glad they have each other. Particularly with the despicable actions her father, stepmother, and grandparents have unleashed on her. It's too bad that they don't realize what a priceless and beautiful gem they have in their daughter.

Joey gave me a wonderful idea for a book. I'm spending a lot of time thinking about this one, because if I can pull it off, I think it could be publishable.

Both Joey and I love the movie Chocolat. She really thinks I should write a story in a similar vein centering around the store. There were so many interesting characters we met and dealt with, and a plethora of connected storylines. I wouldn't write it as fact, but based on our experiences. Romanticize it where needed, although, truth be told, there's not a lot of fiction needed to spice up the story.

It's a thought. A good thought. We'll see where it leads.
jvar: (Frustration)
I hate days where I feel I have nothing to contribute, nothing to offer, nothing of value.

Instead, I abuse LJ with drivel. Listening to sad songs is probably not the best choice today.

Stephen Stills - Spanish Suite )
jvar: (Adrift)
I am feeling good and energized about the things I need to accomplish right now.

However, I also just have a funk, a feeling of being both a burden and of being overlooked.

I have this growing need of wanting to do something that makes people say "Geez, I didn't know you had that in you!"

I want to make myself say that, too.

I just don't think I can get there until I make some more headway, though.

*remembers how significant I am to a few*

"That'll do, donkey...that'll do"
jvar: (Default)
cwall: But, I am convinced that when you cross the threshold to your house you enter a different spacetime
cwall: and I'm not being poetic.
cwall: You have this ability to make radically different spaces.
jvar: (Default)
Funniest thing happened Friday night. I think it's time to admit that I am a closet exhibitionist. *shakes head and giggles*

Important note: I have been waiting, impatiently, for a case for my new iPod. UPS showed the shipment "out for delivery" on Thursday, but it never showed up. It was approaching 7 on Friday and still no delivery. Ok...on to the rest of the story:

So..it was Friday night and I was looking forward to an excellent weekend. I admit that the intent was to seduce. I had donned a sheer black gauze tunic with gold edging at the hems. A sheer black gauzy ankle length skirt with some gold filegree paint embellishment (I love the words we use to describe women's clothing). And...not a damn thing else. Did I mention sheer, not just transparent.

The outfit had the desired effect and I was feeling rather pleased with the choice, and quite comfortable (thanks to the aforementioned closet exhibitionist tendencies and a roaring fire in the woodburning stove).

So, comfortable, that when there was a knock at the front door, I jumped up, went to the door, and opened it to get the much anticipated iPod case (I have decided against writing "the much anticipated package" or "the much anticipated delivery" due to it being way too easy of a straight line).

It did NOT hit me, what I was doing, until the cold arctic air rushed in! At that point, the damage was done, and the only thing I could do was act as if that was the most natural way in the world to behave.

The UPS cutie had the wherewithal to actually look me in the eyes when he stuttered, wide eyed "Oh look, they want a signature for this!" I am not sure, but I think that the he may have propositioned me. He did say "You're not usually at home during the day for package signatures, are you?" *busts up laughing again*

I told him, alas, I was not. Shut the door and proceeded to turn umpteen shades of red and giggle until my sides hurt.

And still, I can't feel any shame, just the start of another giggle fit.
jvar: (Default)
These are some of the things I'd like to be remembered for accomplishing after I'm gone.
  • Noted author (not related to computer technology)

  • Artist (woodworking skills)

  • Herbalist and Nutrition Coach

  • Hermetic Alchemist

jvar: (Raven)
I've been blissfully in a state of holding for the last several days due to house guests. I didn't have to acknowledge the new year or the responsibility of the freshness of new calendar days that beckon again to make things right.

It's too quiet here at the moment so I have the stereo turned up far too loud to fill in the gaps that seem to be left since Brian left with David and his family for the train station.

There's something intensely, tragically, romantic about leaving via train. Or so novels and movies would make you believe.

I actually feel motivated today to make changes. I knew I should, but today, it feels like I have the internal fortitude to actually make it start happening. I am going to make a list of things I can accomplish each day, and my goal is to do at least two of these. Not little things either, but two things that make me feel like I've taken a step forward on my path.

I have a 2006 journal to record each day how I moved forward. It's a movement year.

Goals for today:
Put away holiday decorations
Clean up and put this last weekend away
Answer neglected emails
Create Movement List
Keep my head and my priorities straight
jvar: (Default)
Yesterday would have been 4 years had we kept the store open. Yes, yesterday was a very difficult day. I'm not made of stone. I don't care how much it gets conveyed that the store wasn't a part of me, fact was, it was a part of my ego. It's gone, by my hand. I accept that, but I still mourn it. You can tell me forever what a right choice it was, but that doesn't take away the pain of closing it.

I had hoped to spend yesterday doing positive things. I had been hoping for a soul freeing "play day." I wanted to go see Narnia, and have coffee and talk about the future and dream a little together, then get the yule tree and spend the evening decorating it together. Something that would have been good for my soul. What wouldn't have been good for my soul or psyche is spending it ass deep in what's left of the store. So yesterday, because it was the responsible thing to do, I made the products I've needed to (finally got my herbs to finish those) and I organized my upstairs work area. And I had a couple of good, private cries. (adding one more to the pile for good measure, I suppose)

To those of you who expressed your concern and sympathy yesterday, who understood that I was hurting and gave hugs, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Today, onward. I have orders to fill and items to ebay and boxes to sort.
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