Step one:

Jan. 12th, 2009 07:20 pm
jvar: (Default)
"Indifference is the strongest force in the universe. It makes everything it touches meaningless. Love and hate don't stand a chance against it"
--The Snow Queen


Originally published at Armchair Navelgazing.

jvar: (Bursting Energy)
I have a short circuit between my body and my soul. They used to be really connected. Somehow, one part decided that the other part wasn't doing its job and wandered off. It's so difficult to dance without that connection. Both parts remember how good it feels to let loose and spin and undulate to the loud music in my living room. It's free and uninhibited inspired movement and it is pure magic. Add lyrics that I can sing, and it's my catharsis.

I heard myself singing the other night. It was like my voice couldn't be contained. I had to sing. Now I have to dance. Perhaps if I let my body move, it will entice my soul back to speaking to me.

I feel fragmented and I have forgotten too much of what it felt like before I splintered. Is there a way to clean up the scar tissue so that I can feel the nerves again? I don't mind the sting if it means I'll feel as deeply again.

I just think it begins again when I dance.

Originally published at Armchair Navelgazing.

jvar: (<3)
As a female, I naturally spend a fair amount of time looking at myself in the mirror. Mostly in the morning when I am brushing my teeth and preparing for the day. Often I look at myself critically, as a canvas to a painter, deciding what needs to be improved upon. I don't consider myself a natural beauty, but I do have lovely people in my life who disagree vehemently. I see enhancements and the play of light and shadows and try to gently capitalize on the good and minimize the disagreeable. I have always said that I will not rue my wrinkles, but celebrate the hard earned lines. Oddly, it looks like I have earned relatively few to date!

Sometimes, I let myself look back to the me on this side of the mirror where my psyche resides. And the older I get, the more battle scars I attain, the more miles I accrue, well...the more I like who is looking back.

She's not as naive as she used to be, but she still has a healthy side of idealism mixed with her realistic take on her universe. She doesn't love as freely or as surface level passionately as she did not too long ago. Now she is far more discerning on who she lets in to stay. Her standards are high and she will not drop them. She doesn't look at people in terms of immediate benefits, but sees relationships in terms of longevity potential. She is envisioning the future she wants and surrounding herself with those she wants to share this adventurous path. She's far more selfish than she ever was, and lucky are the people she is selfish about because they will know without any doubt of her affection and love. For them, she doesn't hold back a thing.

Things feel so much different these days. Quieter, less complex, and infinitely deeper and stronger. I am becoming so much stronger than I ever thought I would be and I don't regret all that it has taken. So many adventures to draw upon, so many more left ahead.



When you have loved as she has loved, you grow old beautifully
- W. Somerset Maugham


Originally published at Armchair Navelgazing.

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May 2016

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