jvar: (Default)
I knew something was trying to get my attention the last full day in Colorado. Before I had left, I implored my friend Paco, who has passed nearly 2 years now, to let me see him one last time in badger form. And on that last day there, I did see a badger. I saw three, and one did not behave typically. Typical would have had them in the field and fleeing human contact. But this one was leading the others down the graveled road toward our approaching car. One dove into the culvert, and one ran. But this one, he turned and stared at me full on, snarling and hissing and being a glorious bastard. And in this darkest night of doubt and abandoned beliefs, I had an answer.

There is something more. 

And it knows me.

My chest is tight right now, with anticipation. Something wants my attention. And it's getting demanding. Something is trying to tell me to not stop believing. 

Still, I have the opposite telling me just as loudly, that as humans, we have a disease. It's that we need to create meaning where there might be none.  (Ref 1, 2, 3)

So I go forward with caution. I am looking carefully at these coincidences and holding back what wants to burst forth. Because I don't want to live without this feeling of anticipation that there is more. I don't want proof that this story of me, of us, could be over some day and that nothing really did matter.


Nov. 18th, 2005 08:23 am
jvar: (Raven)
Woke up this morning with a distinct feeling of "lack."

There's stuff missing everywhere. Pieces of the puzzle that are missing and leaving distinct holes. Some small enough that it doesn't even distract the eye. Others are so big they put the entire structure in jeopardy.

I feel like I need to sort through all my puzzle pieces today and see if I can find any of the missing pieces. Maybe think about which puzzles need to be scrapped, and which I want to keep working on.

You know those posts where you tell those who can read this "I'm not talking about you"? Well, no one's exempt here. But I suppose that the truth is that the lack is in the piece that connects me to you.


jvar: (Default)

May 2016



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